I DON'T DON'T MIND

I have a scar on my bone which turned crooked. 

Or: I hate you, you disgust me, you annoy me, you hurt me, you turned my life upside down, you messed with me, you put filth on my name, you went behind my back and you had fun.
And me? What did I do?
A punch in my face and body would have been so welcome now, 'cos pathetically there is no pain like the pain I feel on my bone right now.'

My leg was limp for 14 months, one day the pain left and I could not remember how. Like the passed time, which passes like a black out during petit mal,  I felt sad when the pain was not there anymore, because I knew what it meant.  

I allowed it, not so much out of direct fear, but out of no other alternative. In certain aspects of life I am fearless, in others I am so scared and paralyzed, but these moments are kept to myself usually.
I should engage in thanking the universe each day for giving me pain, so that I know what truth can look like, and for survival, because I need to live without it. This blessed truth! Introduce yourself at an early age.
But more importantly,

I AM AN EXPERT IN SEEING BULLSHIT, AND I CAN TRANSLATE ANYTIME.

Damage has been done, there is no way to turn back the clock, it is impossible. I am disgusted by the bigger vulgarity.

Surprise, I really didn't think it would last this long. I actually thought that you were more clever than that.
Again, I thank the universe for keeping me awake, I thank the universe for being able to close my eyes when necessary. I also cheerish the heart that I have, a seed of love which grew with love and humanity. I feel the life in you, and I know that you are fragile.
More importantly,

I am amazed also each min that I was chosen to experience this and to feel like I have felt. Oh, tragedy if I would have been a whole life without it!

I speak Swedish, English, Romanian, French, Norwegian, some Spanish, Russian, German and Japanese
(???? - whatever). Yup, that's how multicultural I am. And yes, now too, the BULL SHIT language. Extremely important to know and to read between the lines.
Another important language, body language. For the past weeks, I am automatically walking with an ultra straight back. I don't know who pushed it, was it perhaps the past time's events or absence of actions which gave me back hope and confidence. Wow, confidence which was never seen before. Believing. Believing. Believe.

I refuse to be bull shit latent. In a communist country I would have been in jail, sitting right next to my mother.

'I really don't appreciate it when you ridicule my suffering, or get excited about upsetting someone (me?). That is the lowest character of all human characters. Kick on the person lying on the floor. And then be amazed that you are not happy.' 

I suffer not 24/7 but 38000/7 to the extent that I cannot produce anymore. I just find myself landing on sheep's eyes, there is no comfort to get here.


BULL SHIT language is not latent, it is characterized by huge infectivity and absence of smoothness. Present or absent stays in the same box unfortunately, but my voice is oh so strong.

 HALLELUJA! Can you hear me?!

My voice is clear and shows no traces of despair. No small wind blowing here, nope. My voice is inversely correlated to justice. Take away my justice and hear my voice. Singing comes natural to me.

No BULL SHIT. Just facts. Eat that. And I will not look in the mirror, which you cracked from side to side.

AND THAT IS THE TORTURED ARTIST'S SOUL WHICH IS CALLED KATARINA, NOT LUCIA.  

Behold, my wisdom grew from initial love, not suffering. 

Wisdom doesn't make me stronger, it only fills me up.

I am not important, but surely, my feelings are.

The power of words.

Read between the lines, life is an illusion and it sure isn't what it seems to be.

AND I HAVE NO REGRETS, ONLY SADNESS.

But tomorrow is a new day, the sun rises yet again, and I dance my way through the day, listening to my iPAD's All night long or something.

I hope.

How do you feel? What will you do tomorrow?